🕳️ THE MANHOLE PEOPLE: An Investigative Report 🕳️

My Shocking Discovery

Friends, neighbors, fellow surface-dwellers,

My name is Gary Thompson, I live on Oakwood Drive, and I SWEAR TO GOD there's a man living under the manhole in front of my house. But that's not even the worst part.

I think there's an ENTIRE FAMILY down there. Maybe even a whole village of illegal migrants.

The Evidence I've Collected

Night One (February 28th, 2024)

• 2:47 AM: Heard knocking from below the street
• 2:52 AM: Manhole cover shifted slightly
• 3:15 AM: Saw a hand emerge, grabbed my Ring doorbell camera footage
• 3:16 AM: Hand retreated when my motion light turned on

Night Two (March 1st, 2024)

• 1:33 AM: Distinct smell of cooking coming from storm drain
• 1:45 AM: Heard what sounded like a mariachi band (very faint)
• 2:20 AM: Someone whispered "¿Tienes wi-fi?" from the sewer grate

Night Three (March 2nd, 2024)

THE BIG ONE. I set up a camera pointed directly at the manhole. At 3:33 AM, the cover lifted completely and I saw:

• A man in a sombrero
• What appeared to be a small kitchen setup
• Multiple sleeping bags
• A "Home Sweet Sewer" sign
• MULTIPLE PAIRS OF EYES IN THE DARKNESS

My Theory

These illegal migrants have created an entire underground civilization in our sewer system. They're probably:

• Tapping into our internet (explaining the slow speeds)
• Stealing our water (my bill was $3 higher last month)
• Running an underground taco stand (the smell is unmistakable)
• Teaching their children in subterranean schools
• Possibly running their own DMV (more efficient than ours)

What I've Done So Far

1. Called the Police - They said to "stop calling about the manhole people"
2. Contacted Village Hall - They asked if I had the correct domain for complaints
3. Reached out to ICE - They said they don't handle "mole people"
4. Posted on Nextdoor - Banned for "fearmongering"
5. Set up 24/7 surveillance - My wife left me

The Village Response

The Village Administrator said: "Mr. Thompson, there are no people living in our sewers. Our internal systems would detect that. Also, please pay your parking tickets."

When I showed them my footage, they said it was "probably just maintenance workers" who work at 3 AM and cook tacos underground.

The Connection to Domain-Gate

I believe these manhole people are the REAL owners of villageoforlandhills.com! Think about it:

• They live underground (like website hosting)
• They're invisible to the village (like proper DNS management)
• They're more organized than our IT department
• They probably understand domain registration

What You Can Do

Signs Your Manhole May Be Inhabited:

• Soft guitar music at night
• Smell of authentic Mexican cuisine
• Improved internet speeds (they're better at networking)
• Manholes that say "Ocupado" when you knock
• Tiny sombreros left near storm drains

Protection Measures:

1. Cement your manholes shut (illegal but effective)
2. Play loud polka music (they hate it)
3. Leave parking tickets near sewer grates (scares them)
4. Learn Spanish (for negotiations)
5. Move to a village that owns its domain

Latest Update

Last night I heard them discussing "la página web del pueblo" (the village website). THEY KNOW ABOUT THE DOMAIN SITUATION. They were laughing.

One of them said "Nosotros sí sabemos de DNS" (We DO know about DNS).

THE UNDERGROUND PEOPLE HAVE BETTER IT SKILLS THAN OUR VILLAGE.

My Final Warning

They're expanding. Mrs. Henderson says she's heard accordion music from her storm drain. Bob from the gas station swears he saw a full mariachi parade march into the sewer at 4 AM.

The village won't help us. They're too busy trying to figure out domain ownership.

We're on our own.

Stay vigilant. Trust no manhole.

Gary Thompson is a lifelong Orland Hills resident and amateur sewer investigator. He is currently sleeping in his car while maintaining 24/7 manhole surveillance.